Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
