If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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