I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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