They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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