my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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