You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
