and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
