I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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