I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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