ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
