FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
