I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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