the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
