tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
