maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
