I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
