I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
