She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
