i just wanna soil my oats bro
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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