my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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