You made me cry and you don't even care
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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