At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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