Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How's work?
Spinning.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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