Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
