someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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