Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
