I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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