I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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