You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
