this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
