I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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