I think I won the penis lottery.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
