I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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