even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
