Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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