Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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