The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
