K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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