I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
