I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm really busy with my period
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