I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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