i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
