Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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