I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
