also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
