Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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