I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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