Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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