Porn is love you can see.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
They took my balls.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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