sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
