I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I will pee on everything he values.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
