i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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