the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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