I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
