I wish I could teleport
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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