3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i love accidental penises.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
