He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
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i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
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Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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