NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
