i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
